Sanity
by dress without sleeves
Summary: In his first year of Hogwarts, Sirius Black finds the answer to all his problems. It's as simple as the smile beneath his best friend's gentle eyes. RemusSirius vignette.


**Author's Notes:** My first slash piece.

Gasp. Shock. Cardiac arrest.

Wait – I need to say this. It's a terrifically bad joke that you all need to hear. "Harry turns to Dumbledore and says, 'But if Voldemort has no soul, how can we kill him?' And Dumbledore replies, 'Ah, Harry. That is the Horcrux of the issue.'"

Ha. Haha. Hahaha.

…Right.

So, this was beta'd by the superbulous **Opalish**, because she was online and is the bestiest best slash writer I've ever come across. And anyway, Zombie/Satan Pig wanted her to beta. He's still waiting on your answer to his proposal, by the way, Teri.

So, yeah. Read on.

_**Sanity**_

In his first year ofHogwarts, Sirius Black finds the answer to all his problems. It's as simple as the smile beneath his best friend's gentle eyes.

This feeling puzzles him, but so do a lot of things and he lets it slide.

His second year is difficult at first, too, because he's had a lousy summer and a falling out with James. Remus and Peter try to make themselves scarce, and the annoyed look on the studious boy's face as he sits between a somber James and curt Sirius is enough to make both boys forgive and forget.

The third year brings incredible discoveries, and the tears that shimmer in Remus' eyes light a fire in his friend. Sirius nicks James' invisibility cloak and hurries down to Hell - well, okay, the library, but it's basically the same thing - to find some way to put that grin back onto his friend's lips.

He's fourteen, and most of the other blokes are starting to talk about girls more than Quidditch and he's slightly confused because even though the girlsseem to like him, he doesn't get that jittery feeling that James says he feels when he's around the Evans girl.

At fifteen, he knows something is wrong with him. He's a jerk, and James is a jerk, but everybody loves the both of them except for Evans but no one really cares about her 'cept James. He catches a girl in the corridor and kisses her, just to see what it feels like - but it's boring and her tongue wiggles in his mouth like a fish. He tells Remus this and the werewolf laughs, and the sound makes Sirius' stomach do a little flip.

In his sixth year, he's old enough to know what his problem is but says nothing about it. He buries himself in pranks and full moons and James' "red-headed problem". Remus tutors him in Charms and Sirius briefly considers telling his best friend that he's head-over-heels in love with him, but decides against it because he doesn't know if Remus is into that sort of thing.

And then it's hislast year at Hogwarts and the N.E.W.T.S are worse than the library but James is in love and Lily is in love and Sirius is in love even though it seems as though he's the only one in Hogwarts not getting any. He opens his mouth four times to tell Remus the truth - but the only thing he seems able to say is, "I love yogurt."

He finds his friend out at the lake and knows that it's now or never. He sits beside the werewolf and tries to speak but no words come. Eventually he hears himself say, "I'm queer, you know."

His friend nods, unsurprised. "I know."

There is a pause, and Sirius turns to Remus, looks him dead in the eyes, and tells him, "I'm queer and I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you for six years now and I imagine I'll be in love with you for two hundred more."

It's a nice thought.

Remus stares blankly at him for a moment and then breaks into a smile. "I know."

And there seems nothing left to do but kiss him.

oo00oo00oo00oo

He is in Azkaban and the world is shot to hell and every day he hears screams and knows it's his fault, what happened to Lily and James,and he hates Peter with all his soul. The Dementors creep in to laugh at him every morning and night but somehow they cannot steal that memory of the lake away from him and it seems to keep him more sane than the others.

He sits back against his cell wall, knowing that Remus hates him, knowing that Remus hates him but that he'll always love Remus, and he wonders whether or not this sanity he retains is worth it.


End file.
